


I Could Look Into Your Eyes (Until the Sun Comes Up)

by lucipherer (mysticstargirl)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Character Death, Dreams, Falling In Love, I dont really know, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Sad Phil, Sad dan, Soulmates, inspired by Ed Sheeran's Afire Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-10
Updated: 2015-11-10
Packaged: 2018-04-30 07:11:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5154917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mysticstargirl/pseuds/lucipherer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>And when the day met the night, everything was golden.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>An AU in which you're supposed to dream with your soulmate, and Dan doesn't know why the blue eyed boy in his dreams can't see him.</p><p>inspired by Ed Sheeran's Afire Love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Could Look Into Your Eyes (Until the Sun Comes Up)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [my beautiful phan-loving girlfriend](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=my+beautiful+phan-loving+girlfriend), [akasharani](https://archiveofourown.org/users/akasharani/gifts), [all the love xx](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=all+the+love+xx).



> first phanfic being published! ah im excite. :))

_With your body next to mine_

_Our hearts will beat as one_

_And we're set alight_

_We're afire love_

Dan Howell has, from a young age, been really rather lonely.

It's not that he didn't have friends; no, he had enough. Children his age who laughed with him and sat with him and worked with him.

Yet each and every one of those friends always had another friend they valued more than him. He is nobody's best friend, and he has no one to call his best friend himself. Always second, or third or fourth.

Dan is alone.

And Dan Howell wonders, sometimes, what it must feel like to be someone's most important person.

It's a hollow sort of ache inside him, like breathing or blinking, an unconscious yearning. He grows used to it, numb to the smarting- like it's an old war wound or a fading bruise.

 _It's fine,_ he thinks, _to be no one's most important person._

_I'm fine._

\--------------------

When Dan turns twelve, that's when the dreams start.

Every night when he goes to bed, through the thick, heavy darkness (that Dan had never quite realized isn't mean to be so empty and quiet), there is a small, little light. Gentle but so out of place that Dan can always see it.

The first couple months, he doesn't do much but stare at it until he wakes up. He sees the way it glitters and radiates warmth, and despite that there is always so much distance between him and the light, it seems to soak the comforting heat into his skin.

The light, it's only there at night. Try as he might, he can't get any closer to it than he is. He can't see it during the day at all; when he takes a nap he's met with only darkness.

He spends his daylight in loneliness, and at night he sits alone in the endless blackness and watches the light- and the light watches him.

When he's 13, they teach him at school that the light in your dreams is your _soulmate_ , though few can see it at this age.

"They're a bit hard to find," The woman says, beaming into the sea of children in front of her. It's taught at every school, apparently, but Dan hasn't even heard of it until now. "In your bright little minds at first. But soon, you'll find them; the most important person in your life! And you are the most important person to them. Everyone has a soulmate, children. Everyone has a home." She smiles but it doesn't seem real, not when she's nothing but layers of grey in his eyes. Her too bright lips and too blonde hair just look so fake- her eyes are dull.

But the idea of soulmates sends Dan's mind _reeling_.

_The most important person in their life._

He calls out to the light, "Are you there?" and it doesn't respond.

Dan calls and calls, screams himself raw and runs to the light, night after night, but his soulmate never grows any clearer or closer.

He hates this.

This is so _unfair_.

"I've been alone all this time, can't I just have _this_?" He screams into his dreams, but there's never an answer. 

Dan is alone. 

And the light, the light that shines like the sun, just glows on.

\--------------------

As his life goes on, the light grows with him. He doesn't notice until one day he realizes its bigger, closer. Brighter than ever. 

And sometimes, Dan can hear things. Laughter, muffled words from a voice that he's never heard before but he's missed all his life. 

He remembers with frightening clarity the day the light shifted into a clear form. He'd been 14 going on 15, gone to bed on a Sunday night. 

A tall boy, with dark and bright eyes was there, where the light would usually be. 

He remembers being  _so excited_ , so thrilled, waving to the boy with wide eyes. His soulmate! 

But the boy hadn't waved back, and Dan felt his world stumble for a moment.

He watches the boy as he lives his life, talks with other people that Dan can't see and smiles and laughs and waves.

Dan calls to him, _please, I'm right here, it's me, it's your soulmate_ , but the blue eyed boy never quite turns his way, never hears him.

The boy lives his life, and Dan can do nothing but watch.

"Why don't you see me?" He calls, but the boy just laughs at something someone else says to him.

"Don't you need me?" He asks, but the boy just smiles and waves to someone Dan can't see.

So Dan spends his time in his dreams just watching the boy. He cries when the boy cries, laughs when the boy laughs. He watches as the boy grows older, taller, and too soon the boy is a man. Dan knows his face by heart now, little mannerisms like the way he has a half-hop in his left step and a nervous habit of trying to shove his hands into nonexistent pockets. He knows every dip and curve and line of his face, the ginger at the root of his hair when it grows out, every color his eyes can be.

He knows the boy's voice too, but just barely. Even if he can never make out a single word, he knows the ups and downs of it, the drops and rises and the _life_ in the voice, has heard it drop from a boy's to a man's.

The day he really notices the boy has become a man, he feels a sort of blinding panic- it's like his soulmate is slipping right through his fingers, like he's moving past Dan so terrifyingly quickly and Dan can't find a way to hold on.

" _I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE!_ " He screams at the man. " _DON'T LET ME BE ALONE, I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE ALONE!_ "

But the dark haired man just smiles in response, if a little sadly.

\--------------------

_This isn't fair._

\--------------------

In the year of 2009, Dan Howell is 18. His soulmate is a young man, tall and broad shouldered with bright, smiling eyes. He's very much like the sun, actually, the way he smiles and talks and laughs.

Dan's world is darker than ever, but his dreams are radiant.

In this year, there is the second day Dan remembers with burning clarity. It was Monday night in September when he fell asleep, expecting another night of watching his soulmate go about his day, alone.

But this time, the man with blue eyes is sitting in the middle of his mind, and he's waiting for Dan.

"Can you see me?" The brown eyed boy whispers, because it's different from all those other nights. His image is so clear, like he's actually there.

"Hi." The man responds, and it's like the world is exploding into color.

"Who are you?" he asks, his heart thumping in his chest almost violently, because he _knows_ who he is. God, of course he knows. He's only been watching him his entire life.

The man smiles right at him, and _fuck_ , it feels like coming _home_.

"My name is Phil Lester." The man responds, his voice exactly the low and pleasant sound it has always been, but it's _better_ because he can make out the words now. The man holds up his hand to Dan, as if offering to shake it.

"You're late." Dan blurts out, and the man falters, looking up at him apologetically.

"I'm sorry I'm late." Phil says, and _god_ does it feel good to finally have a name for the man. It feels so _right_.

"You're _late_." Dan says again, voice tight. For a second Phil blurs, and Dan panics because he thinks he's going to disappear.

No, wait, he's just crying.

"I'm sorry. Please don't cry." Phil stands up. He's taller than Dan is, but Dan's still growing.

"You're so _damn_ late." This time the words come out mingled with a sob, and the blue eyed man is in front of him in half a second, arms going around him and _fuck-_

Dan doesn't know what he's saying anymore, words tumbling out of his mouth as his face presses into Phil's shoulder, but the man is holding him tightly, lips pressed into Dan's brown hair and hands firm and warm on his back. He feels more anchored than he's ever felt before, so secure and warm in this hug.

It's a good feeling, like being wrapped up in light and life and love.

"...I was so alone, I was so--" Dan hiccups, hands tightning into fists as he clutches the plaid shirt under his hands, as he fucking _finally_ gets to hold and be held, "--I thought I was going to be alone forever, I called you so much, so _many times_ but you never, _never--_ "

Phil has small hands, smaller than Dan's are, but the way they run over his hair and down his back is near _perfect_.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Phil chants the words softly into Dan's hair, holding him tight like he's never going to let go again.

"I don't want to be alone anymore." Dan says into Phil's shirt, and the arms around him tighten.

"You're not going to be alone anymore."

And those are words Dan's been waiting to hear his entire _damn_ life.

\--------------------

Dan still has yet to meet Phil outside of his dreams, but that's okay. Every night when he goes to bed the man is there waiting for him, with a smile and open arms.

It's like Phil's trying to make up for the time he's let slip by, because he listens to every word Dan has to say like it's the best thing he's ever heard, and there's rarely a moment they aren't touching.

Not that Dan's complaining.

It's amazing to finally be able to look Phil in the eyes. For years he'd tried to get those clear blue eyes focused on him, but they never quite saw him. Now, he only had to say Phil's name for those eyes to be looking straight at him, with a sort of concentration and a soft fondness that makes Dan dizzy.

It's still only ever in his dreams that Dan can find Phil, but that's okay.

And one day, some small video website called Youtube brings the another enormous shift into his life.

'AmazingPhil', the channel is called, and when Dan sees the icon his heart near stops in his chest and everything around him as screeched to a half because he _recognizes_ that icon.

That's Phil.

That's _his Phil._

He's got the channel open and video loading in a heartbeat, eyes wide as he watches Phil smile into the camera, and starts talking.

Phil is _real_ , more solid than ever, staring right through the screen into Dan, and his fingers shake as he adds a comment.

In no time at all they're skype calling each other, talking through the day as much as they talk though the nights, and finally, _finally_ they arrange to meet each other in the real world.

\--------------------

It's the 19th of October in the year 2009 when Dan runs through the airport, eyes wide and searching for a familiar head of black hair, and he's scared, scared that Phil might not show up, that he might've dreamed up everything in his twisted mind and Phil isn't real.

But he's right there, the tall lanky man with dark hair and bright blue eyes, searching for Dan.

When their eyes meet it's like his heart has stopped in his chest and leapt into his throat, and everything just sort of fades and it's like his dream all over again, with just Phil and he, nothing, no one else.

And then Dan runs.

Phil's there with open arms and Dan runs right into them, slamming into the taller man with arms flung around his chest, and the solid strong arms come to fasten around his back. Phil's face tucked beside his ear, Dan's in his shoulder, both of them just breathing because this is very, _very real_.

Dan can't find any words to say. 'I missed you' doesn't seem right, and it's too soon for an 'I love you'. 'Nice to meet you' isn't right either, or even 'I've wanted to see you'.

Phil solves the problem for him. "You're never going to be alone again." He mumbles beside Dan's ear and what the _hell_ , it doesn't _matter_ anymore.

It doesn't matter anymore.

\--------------------

Dan realizes, the more time he spends with Phil, what it feels like to be the most important person in someone's life. It's a breathtaking, heard thudding feeling, something that makes him wonder how the hell he'd lived without it for all those years.

Phil rarely lets go of him when they're together, whether it's their fingers twisted together or legs touching or curled into him with lips against his neck (which he loves and hates, because Dan's neck is _so_ a not-okay zone but Phil makes it okay just like _that_ ).

But life is good.

Just like this, life is better than it's ever been.

\--------------------

On the flip side, Dan really should've seen this coming.

It's like the world can't _stand_ to see him happy for even a few weeks.

He wants to forget that there's other things in his life to focus on; there's school, there's his future, there's his grades, there's  _life_. 

Phil wants Dan to be happy and successful, but he doesn't force him to be, just encourages gently.

But Dan really wants nothing more than to spend all of his time with Phil, and forget about everything else.

Phil has a life, too, outside of the two of them. Phil's school, Phil's grades, future, life.

After a blessedly peaceful, content week, Dan has to go back to his house.

"I don't want to go." He mumbles, and the dark haired man just gently runs his fingers over Dan's hair, absently reading a book behind his back. Dan's sitting in his lap, head on his shoulder.

"I don't want you to go." Phil says, pressing a soft kiss to his temple, and Dan wants to cry.

 --------------------

He can't do it.

In 2011 he quits college.

Dan Howell is a dropout, and he hates himself.

But he _can't do it_. Law is... Law is something else.

So he drops out, mopes for a couple of days, doesn't do much but skype Phil or watch his videos.

And it sucks; Dan feels more like a failure than he ever has.

"It's okay." Phil says softly through the screen, and those are words Dan clings to like a lifeline. "It's gonna be okay, Dan."

"Yeah." The brown eyed boy whispers back, earning himself a small, gentle smile.

\--------------------

Just like that, life goes on.

Dan continues his Youtube channel, which now rapidly grows. It's very near passing Phil's count, which Dan thinks is ridiculous, but Phil is nothing but proud of.

Everything picks up pace and begins to really move, and then the questions start.

_Are you and Phil soulmates, then?_

"Of course," He'd say with pride, and then the questions would snowball.

_Will you be getting married?  
_

_When will you have children?_

_Are you going to move in together?_

_Are you planning on living together forever?_

It's overwhelming, how people want to know about things they shouldn't be sticking their noses in.

"It's none of your business, my relationship with Phil!" He cries, but the questions only echo louder.

_What about your future together?_

**_TELL US, TELL US, TELL_ ** _**US!**_

And Dan does something completely stupid. 

Dan pushes Phil away. Skype calls go ignored, as do emails, messages, desperate calls. He talks to Phil less, sees him even lesser.

It's not long before Dan realizes he's alone again.

Again.

"You're an idiot." A voice croaks at him angrily, echoing through his empty dreams. "Why would you do that? Phil loves you, and you love him."

"But are you ready for marriage? For being together forever, for children?" The other voice croons, and Dan hates this, hates this so much.

He wants Phil back.

\--------------------

Phil is all too willing to have Dan back in his life, embracing him, showering him with kisses and gentle words while Dan hiccups out apology after apology through his tears.

"It's okay. It's okay," Phil murmurs, and Dan knows it's not, that Phil's been hurting too. He hates that he's been the reason for Phil hurting.

"I'm sorry," He says again, but the pale hands just gently push his hair out of his face, impossibly warm and loving.

Dan wants to cry again. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay, bear. It's okay."

\-------------------

And just like that, things fall into place. Subscriber counts rocket, everything is working out, Dan is happier than he's... ever been. He's living the dream, like this. Doing something he loves, and doing it with Phil. There's nothing he'd rather have, nothing he'd rather do.

Most of all, Dan is absolutely happy to be alive.

He's pretty sure Phil is, too, because now they're working on a book together, they've got a radio show, they've got an _Oscar_ for hell's sakes...

"I love you." He says, staring at the blue eyed man beside him, who lets out a low chuckle, laces their fingers together, and presses gentle kisses all over his face.

"I love you too, bear."

\--------------------  
Five fantastic, dream-like years pass just like _that_ , like a blink of eye and forever at the same time.

Phil is still a glowing, _handsome_ 33 year old man, and Dan is 29.

They're still young, they're both still _so young_.

Of course. Of course the world just can't let them be happy.

That day, that frightening, heart-wrenching day (Dan will never forget, it was November 10, a cool, grey day, just the way he likes it), he'd come back from the hospital, clutching Phil's arm like letting go will cause _disaster_.

"It's already... The tumor is already very large," The doctor had said softly, almost apologetically. "Unfortunately, we don't think we'll be able to... fix it, for lack of better wording. I suggest you start preparing yourself.... funeral arrangements, and the like."

Phil had gone pale, and Dan had been trembling, slender fingers shaking in his soulmate's grip, eyes wide and nothing but helpless despair screaming through his mind.

"I'm sorry." The doctor says, with genuine sorrow in his eyes. "If you'd only come earlier, even just a year... There's nothing we can do for your husband anymore."

They leave the hospital, and Phil drives them home. The entire ride is quiet, and Dan is numb, his world spinning and collapsing around him. 

"It's okay, Dan." Phil says softly, as he drives _their_ car into _their_ garage, and opens _their_ door for him.

Dan's started shaking as the older man gently lowers him onto _their_ couch in _their_ living room.

"You're dying, Phil." He whispers, in the cozy, warm house that doesn't seem so cozy or warm anymore. "Fuck, Phil, you're fucking _dying_ and I--"

And Dan breaks down, right there in Phil's arms, even though it's not even him that's dying, and the older man cradles him gingerly, lovingly, whispering reassuring things like he _isn't the one dying_ in the room, and Dan hates everything.

Dan hates everything except for Phil right now, except he kind of hates him a little bit, too.

 _He's leaving you_ , the little, evil voice in his mind crows joyously, having dug its way right back out of his heart. _He's going to leave you here alllllll alone~! Just here, you, me, and the world!_

 ** _SHUT_** _**UP!**_ Dan's heart screams, sobbing, hands desperately clutching Phil.

_Alone, Dan! Alone!_

"You can't leave me," Dan cries, cries like he's a little boy again, like he's that small, scared, sad little boy who'd sobbed into Phil's arms in that first dream he got to speak to him. "You can't leave me here alone!"

He hears Phil swallow roughly, how he tries to comfort him again but his voice breaks and then how he's crying silently into Dan's hair.

They stay there, for minutes, hours days, just holding each other and crying in _their_ house, and Dan curses the world.

 _It's not fair. It's so_ **damn** _unfair._

But the world just laughs at him.

\--------------------

"I guess I should've seen it coming, hmm?" Phil smiles at him, arms wrapped around him as they lay in bed.

"What do you mean?"

"Remember how long it took me to see you in my dreams?" Phil murmurs, blue eyes gazing at Dan with the gentlest look.

"Yeah," Dan murmurs, leaning forward just a bit to kiss Phil's chin, just because sometimes he likes to feel smaller. "I yelled at you for an impressive grand total of thirty seconds, remember?" 

It had been more than that. Dan had yelled for  _years_. 

"At first, I thought I was sick. That I was messed up, or broken or something. Maybe, that's why I can't dream with my soulmate." Phil whispers, like it's a shameful thing, and Dan's hold on him tightens. "And then I saw you, you were so _beautiful_ , Dan. I didn't realize how much I'd missed you all my life."

Dan thinks he might be crying, but he's not sure. Honestly, he wouldn't be surprised if he was; he's a bit of a crybaby.

"I guess... I guess I _am_ a bit sick, right?" The man whispers, and Dan shuts his eyes, burrowing forward.

"It's not like that. It's not your fault that this stupid fucking disease decided to come after you." He mutters, hiding his tears, but he knows Phil can hear them in his voice. "The world hates us. It hates me, Phil."

"I love you." The man responds, and Dan nods, almost frantically. "I love you too, Phil."

\--------------------

**6 Weeks**

Dan knows Phil pretends he doesn't need help. Dan _knows_ Phil has to clutch the table or the wall _hard_ to get up or to walk around the house.

But once, Dan gently tried to help Phil across the living room and the man had shoved him away roughly and both of them had tumbled to the ground, Dan against the couch and Phil on the ground, both of them just staring at each other with wide eyes. Then Phil had struggled back to his feet, taking rough breaths, and shuffled out of the room, hands shaking slightly.

After that, Dan didn't try to help Phil, not for a while.

Sometimes, when they were talking, Phil would jolt to a stop between words or stutter out of nowhere. He still said the cute little things, the charming, random little thoughts that made Phil so _Phil_ , but soon Dan realizes that a lot of them are _b_ _ecause_ of that _damn_ tumor growing on the side of his brain. Odd things, things that would've made Dan laugh if it were just half a year ago, are now the source of anxiety and a shock of terror.

And still, Dan smiles for Phil gently, and life goes on.

He goes to the bathroom more often, has to stop and catch his breath or his balance, but he gives Dan and easy smile when the younger man looks back at him.

"You're going to keep this house, right?" Phil had said, glancing around _their_ room.

Dan doesn't know. Will he be okay, living here on his own after losing Phil?

"Maybe. Will the sun still shine?"

"Of course it will, Dan."

_But not the sun I want to shine._

\--------------------

**3 Weeks**

Phil knows it's coming as well as Dan does.

Arrangements have been made, friends and family have been notified.

The house is quiet, now, all the warmth and light that Phil would radiate now gone.

Dan's going to lose his mind- it's so fast, it's _too fast_. There's so little time left. 

"...any day now..." The doctor had said to him, sadly. "I'm sorry."

Phil doesn't do much. He lays in _their_ bed, sometimes sits up. He seems restless when he's energetic, disconnected and cold when he's not. Dan tries so hard, tries to help him. Feeds him what he can, talks to him, plays their favorite Muse album when Phil isn't confused by the noise.

But it's happening, and it's happening fast.

And Dan...

Dan's just _not ready._

\--------------------

**1 Week**

Phil tries so _hard_.

He's insistent on getting up when he can, even though Dan tells him he shouldn't, tries to laugh and talk with Dan.

And Dan loves him all the more for it, spends all his time with him, listening, talking, drinking in all of Phil that he can.

Phil tells him all sorts of things, how he wants to die in their house, that they chose together and lived in together for all these years. Dan nods along, promising him everything and anything.

"I love you. I love you. I love you," On one day, Phil decides he needs to repeat those words like a mantra, and Dan says them back, clutching his hand.

\--------------------

**The Last Day**

Somehow, Dan knows. And Phil knows too.

So Dan decides to stay home, just climb into bed next to him.

Phil doesn't talk anymore; hasn't talked for a few days. But his eyes are still gentle and fond, if a paler blue.

Still, the brown eyed man thinks he's the most beautiful man on earth.

"I love you, okay, Phil?" He murmurs, pressing a gentle kiss to his cheek. There's little warmth now.

Phil's always been pale, but he's even paler now. He doesn't move much, either.

"This... This was the most fun I've _ever_ had." Dan continues, watching him carefully.

He thinks he sees Phil's lips quirk just a little, and then the man lets out a sigh.

He's so skinny now, pale and drawn, but his eyes still hold a gentle warmth. 

Just like the sun, Phil will be lively until the last moment, and Dan loves him.

Dan loves him so, _so_ much.

Phil closes his eyes, and Dan waits for them to open again.

They don't.

So Dan Howell closes his eyes, too, lets the tears fall as he feels his heart wrench and his gut _drop_ and everything in his brain just go _loose_ with agony, as his soulmate dies right in his arms.

And Dan Howell cries.

\--------------------

 _Things were all good yesterday_  
  
_Then the devil took your breath away_  
  
_Now we're left here in the pain_  
  
_Black suit black tie standing in the rain_  
  
_And now my family is one again_  
  
_Stapled together with the strangers and a friend  
_

_And we set alight_  
  
We're afire love

\--------------------

**1 Year**

"Hey, Phil."

There's a man standing in the cemetery, a man with gentle amber eyes and a kind disposition.

"Can you believe it's been an entire year?" He chuckles, gently placing a bouquet of yellow flowers on the grave in front of him. "Wow."

"I... Sometimes I still miss you, you know? But I think I've grown up, now. You'd be proud of me. If I could hear you, you'd probably be gently, half-jokingly praising me. You would."

The man sits on the grass, gently, leaning back and smiling at the gravestone.

"I don't blame the world anymore. I'm thirty years old. Time to be a _real_ grownup now. I don't have you around to baby me anymore." He sighs, crossing his legs, brushing some brown hair out of his face. "I got so many tweets today. They're all so supportive and so kind. They love you so much, you spork."

He _almost_ cries then, almost.

"But... I realized, when I saw them. I spent so much time blaming the world for taking you away from me, that I barely thought about how much I love you. About our good times. 

"So here's to a better future, right? I'm still empty, and sometimes, that angry voice comes back. But I fucking love you a lot, you twit." He reaches forward, gently touches the gravestone. "So, just for you. I think I'm going to stick with being grateful for the times we've had together. Now I'll be able to die, and on my deathbed think, yeah, Dan and Phil- yeah that was a thing!" He grins, and stands again.

"Bye, Phil." Dan Howell whispers, and for the first time in a while, he feels light, just like those good old days with Phil.

**The sun is coming up again.**

 

**Author's Note:**

> THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR STICKING BY FOR ALL 4,000 WORDS OF THIS, IF YOU DID HOLY COW I LOVE YOU! 
> 
> i hope you enjoyed this fic, and hopefully i'll be writing more as soon as I have time! 
> 
> Thank you again! Until next time!


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